Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Randomize
