Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
