i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
