They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
