fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
