he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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