dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
