so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
