Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
