Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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