The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
