You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
