Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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