I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
