Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
