the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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