i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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