its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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