Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
