or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
