hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
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