he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
