just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
