Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
