im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
