i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
the liver wants what the liver wants
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
