Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
