Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Randomize
