you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
