Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
