I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
