I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
