I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
