So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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