Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
