Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
