I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
