so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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