guys are not supposed to queef...right?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
So apparently I’m into choking now
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
