I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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