I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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