i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
