I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
