I'm gonna have a badass scar
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
