I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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