When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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