i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
