just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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