so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
