News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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