then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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