You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
